Thisisish

yes. my world is as hectic as my post title now. lol.

i think the earliest i've slept till now is like 12am?not complaining. but more of commenting i'm trying hard to keep up with my studies and etc. it's been so hard. there's like endless assignments and milestone presentation for MP is just driving ppl nuts. and the fact tt i'm working every weekends, it's just 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'.

haha. though this way, but i think i'm turning psycho. cuz secretly, i like this lifestyle of mine. i'm working hard, earning money and enjoying the joking hours while we rot at work. and someone just made my visions even clearer. but i totally have no confidence for the coming papers. sucks!

nevertheless, i've learnt to embrace the changes ard me and it made me a happier person and also a more mature one. there are alot of things i can relate to now and kind of see a clearer picture of everything. i guessed i was just so naive in the past. but still, my policy is to keep things simple. tt's the way i'm going to live.

8th dec.sucks.i have papers during tt week. but all the way from there to here. it's such a wet blanket.shall see how it goes. i'm glad there was the conversation.

to sum up, there's just a lil secret here and there. wad a nice person.

p.s i want this security.

my beautiful world seems to be falling apart.
or was it nv whole to begin with?
once such completed feeling
but now i seemed lost.

firstly, i have to blog more!!! haha. i'm so neglecting my blog!! haha. i forgot it's really a good place to just pour my heart out.

went for some media exposure today. haha. i think its consider a exhibition on games and media technology. all i can say is tt it didnt really benefited us but rather made us feel more pressure.the pressure is basically coming from how are we f*ing going to do smth as good as tt? it's just near to immpossible. nope. i'm not saying tt cuz i'm ms failure. it's just tt we are totally not equipped with tt kind of technology. so yes, i'm feeling the stress again.

was supposed to go for the job briefing. but ended up haing no time for it.in the end,decided to drop by for the job briefing. cuz i really did feel guilty.went there when they were just leaving. i sweared if we were late a few more mins, we would have made a wasted trip. the friendliness and informality made me feel comfortable but made me felt tt it would be ok not to rush there too.lol. nvm, i shall take it that i'm being professional. haha.

i'm glad i had a chance to talk with jayne alone.i always felt i could share my feelngs with her. like her advices are sometimes comforting.cuz i realised, i have too many guy frenz ard me and the only gf i was supposed to have, kind of 'poofed' from my life. so yep, really like it when i have gf talk. is not tt guys' opinions doesnt help, but it's the gossipy heart to heart bitch tt i missed. ok. i think i just made sound bad but i'm just  not sure how to describe the girl feeling. lol. time's always short to catch up with jayne. but i'm sure there will be more.

ok.and i have alot of confessions.is just tt the stress i'm feeling recently is too overwhelming.it comes in different areas of my life. which totally suck big time. nv really felt this depressed.
1)school
it's so tough for the last sem.i know others are probably feeling the stress as well and i'm not going to compare if i'm feeling more.it's just tt i'm so stressed out!!! there are just so many things to do and probably the last chance to pull up gpa. so the extra pressure. it's like the stress is stuck in me, and i cant get it out. so it piles on as the assignments accumulate and as duedates draw nearer.
2)family
mummy's been nagging alot.ok. more like complaining.saying money's forever not enough.like saying as we grow older, the burdern's heavier.i think mainly it cuz of the uni thingy.cuz studying in spore is no shit man.is all abt money.and since bro was able to settle by his own, i feel like i have the need to do it myself too. but seriously, i'm not as capable as him. and she's going on and on forever how he capable he is infront of the aunties. but she didnt realised i'm feeling the pressure. so i find job to earn. in a way i want to prove tt i can dont take money from her too, at the same time feed myself. so this means the extra effort to put in to balance work and sch.then she talk abt bills. trying to tell me how other mums dont have to pay for their kid's hp bills. i know she's hinting me to pay myself. but i'm afraid i'm only able to pay for a few mnths, then die in the future. it's just tt i have no confidence tt i will have the income to pay for every bill. so i don wan to give empty promises. and daddy kind of don care. i think. he just give the money to mum and dont share the burden to manage the money, like if it's enough and stuffs. and i dono how to lessen the burden for mum. i know every family has their own burdens and problems. i understand it's just part of life. but i'm feeling the stress and cant get it out.
3)personal feelings
it's hard to keep it to oneself.then i have all this crazy ideas which i only dream abt it.there's not much interactions too.which is simply not helping.and yes,i'm just going to do nth.cuz it nv works on the girl side.so it's back to the wtf feelings and i have no time to be bothered abt it. my mind's load is enough.i sure dont have the mental state to care abt it when there's much more impt stuffs in my life.so yes, tt's why i will forever have the feeling tt i'm nv going to get married.cuz i'm just not the type of girl who will ever want to wait for a guy and suffer while he toys and decides if he wants to be tgt.i will just feel like saying f*ck off!lol.it's just me.dont waste my time if u arent interested.i have no time for u.haha.it's just me and i'm not going to change tt.i'm just me.

i need to get it out before i think i get depression.cuz i cant slp well and sometimes i just sob myself to slp.i know i dont seem tt way infront of ppl. maybe it's just a facade. but im happy with frenz ard. they allow me to be just my crazy self and talk nonsense. it helps me to relax.

went through the worse 5 mins of my life today.presentation sucked big time.i dont even know if i actually ans the teacher's qns today.cause, hello??! it was a yes/no qns?wadever.i cant be bothered alr.it passed.so forget it. hopefully we can like wow them the next tiem round.so they can just shut up.lol.but they did help with their chim qns overall.nevertheless,teachers.
cheer up though yiru.i dont think it was really tt bad anyway.=)

and yes.i know i'm perfectly awake.but it sucked big time when it differs day from day.it's the feeling i detest in these scenarios.how can i make sure of it? and most importantly, get tt f person to be sure of it as well?i alr did try k?!sucks!

i have a feeling, soon i will be back to the cant be bothered mentality and things will just hang there like again.or nth's going to happen like again. sucks.

realised i've gotten lazy. haha. to not blog. life had been rather peaceful this week. all i did was to sleep and then watch anime. not a life i will want to have for long although it's rather relaxing. lol.

had been thinking alot recently though. and it finally struck me. all i can say is tt nothing really can beat the shit out of reality. somehow or rather, everything or shld i say everyone has to bow to reality and accept it no matter if u like or not.

so yes. i kinda decided a few major decisions and shorten my lifetime goal to 10yrs instead of 15yrs. i think i can see it fulfilling. besides, i alr have a potential shareholder now. HAHA.

i hope my life will somehow turn out to what i have visioned. i'm alr ready for the sacrifices tt i have to make. perhaps, i do have the mentality of a career woman. lol.

i dono if it was a bad decision or it was a fate thing. but it left me rather lost. i feel tt i'm stuck in somewhere where there's no ans to it. it was a polite gesture of mine but yet it caused so much feelings which i'm not supposed to feel. it made me feel dumb yet again. like waiting for smth to happen when a huge part of me know it will never happen.

it's was perhaps only a polite msg. but it got me reading into it too much. and the small lil things tt happened which i nv tot it could happen. i guessed tt's why it got me feeling so much. it's only when there's really no expectations at all then ppl get contentment and then want more out of it isnt it?

i really hate the waiting part. but when i try to let myself see the bigger picture, it seemed nth will be out of it. only cons and not one least of pros.

haha.i suddenly realised tt i had became a computer geek subconsciously. cuz in the past, when i'm bored, tv,read a book or a nap would be more of the things i would do. but now, when i'm bored, the first thing tt come to my mind is to on the computer.not only tt, i'm addicted to the game farmville on fb. i'm oso reading comics online now.is this a sign? a sign tt i'm turning into a 'zai nu'. lol.

also, i'm kinda into swimming lately, kept having the urge to want to go swim.but whenever i say tt, mum would go 'arent u dark enough?' lol. this kinda turn me off. but then there's always the time after sunset!! haha. i'll prolly go swimming in the evening everytime soon. too bad there's work coming up, or not i will bug cw/yiru to go everyday! haha.

i think i'd moved on without even realising it. time did it for me.
i dont want to be a victim again.

tell me how. how i shld continue to.it's getting harder each day. i'm indecisive now. losing ground and tripping.

why do i feel tt i'm trying to keep myself busy so as to not think of it? but i know it's always at the back of mind no matter wad.

i can only smile whenever mentioned and mock at myself being naive.

it's not tt i don wan to move on.it;s more like i dono how to.

i'm not the jaded kind.really.but i'm starting to see the cracks right in front of me.

went dinner with em,ting,wx,dennis and nic.happy to see them all again.time was rather short with em and ting. but we still had fun catching up.the stories wx and nic shared during their IT show job was super hilarious.got us all laughing really hard. time passed by really quick and em and ting had to go. one has sch and the other has intern for the next day. then wx,dennis,nic and me decided to go airport to chill. walked back to wx's hse to get his car.so it was talk cock session.

haha.it's really fun seeing them chit chat just like during the old days.really amusing.and yes, they still look damn gay tgt.and i dono why for some reasons wx was kinda high.lol.doing all the lameshit.poor dennis.then we camwhored a lil'.i was kinda stupid to bring out a camera with limited batt life.lol.too bad.or else i think we would have taken more pics tgt.lol.fun.

i guessed the joke of the day was when i couldnt diff a sia steward from a security guard.i swear their uniform is damn alike can?they couldnt stop laughing at me.especially nic!damn it.he was laughing damn hard till his whole face went red.shit him!haha.but when i think back now,it's kinda funny.LOL. 

it's enjoyable just hanging out with them.i hope it will never end.

just got back from redang and genting trip with friends. it's simply fun.

redang:
got to the island ard noon time.the island trip was definitely heaven. the sea was super clear and pretty. all the corals and sea creatures were so colourful and pretty. though the first trip to snorkeling was kinda scary but i got used to it after awhile. we snorkelled like thrice a day. the activities we did there were basically snorkeling, banana boat, sing k, play pool, and chill at the small outdoor bar. the activities we didnt get to try out were kayaking, volleyball and to explore the momo tea house. time wasnt enough for us.
overall, i think the trip was so much more fulfilling.all thanks to one of the guides-ah seng. he's the only chinese malaysian there.(he's so dark tt he didnt look like chinese)he's super friendly and explained the sea creatures while we were snorkelling, during the last night, we chatted with him and he shared many interesting stories. it was a hilarious and enjoyable last night.
of cuz, we made another friend there. it was damn random.he's guoliang, the neigbour who all his friends fell ill. lol. sad for he last holiday before graduation and army. haha. nevertheless, a nice friendly guy.  
no words can describe the wonderful memories the island had left me.it's still stucked vividly in my mind now.

genting:
it wasnt exactly a smooth trip there.the taxi ride couldnt take all 5 of us and there were some problems refunding the ticket.but we still managed to when wilson got pissed and raised his voice, and got on to a private taxi. the uncle was really nice. but the trip on the bus to his car was bad. we took this public bus and it broke down halfway.the next bus was so packed till for a moment i felt i was in india. lol. in the end we reached the hotel at only ard 9 when we were to reach at 4 plus.but the facilities and the scenery there made it all up.
however, we shared one room tgt instead of the girls being seperated from the guys. this was so as a few of us saw something and felt weird abt me and yiru's room.so being the scardy cat, i didnt want to sleep in tt room. but it was definitely more fun sharing the room tgt. of cuz, there some interesting tt happened too.lol.
the amusement park was fun. but i think i had too much expectations out of it.so i felt abit disappointing. but i was glad i had the courage to tried on all the rides tt were available. or else it was cuz redang was so fun tt the amusement park couldnt beat it. haha. but still i did enjoyed myself. there were not enough time for us there too. but sadly, xk was sick and didnt join us.
i will never forget the feeling of the cooling clouds tt i felt under my skin.

it was a succesful trip for us.not so for rx and audrina who missed their flight home though.but they still make it after some help from rx's aunt.we really had alot of fun.

i shall post a few pics next time.though all's like in fb. haha.

p.s:thanks cw for carrying my bag almost the whole time.lol.

met one of my karate junior on the way home today. chatted with him for an hr or so. i was glad we had the catch up. heard frm him regarding zl. somehow, i do think it's partly due to me. but i really think i didnt handle it badly. but more of he couldnt let go. but there's really nothing much i can do now isnt it? if it had to turn out this way, the way he acts now, is really how he allowed it to happened.

but i'm sad. it seemed there were too many bads news from karate. which i feel guilty. i didnt stay on. not tt i feel i have the power to make things better, but perhaps offer more advices? tt's purely wad i think. but i'm just so disappointed. like they were many ppl i tot were capable of so many good things, but it just didnt happened the way i had predicted. sadly, all tt's left to say is i feel blessed to be out of it.

to side track, there are certain things tt are happening better than wad i expected. i guessed it's how they say u feel more contented when u dont expect. but since, i grew to have more anticipation. i hope i wont be disappointed in the end. but then again, it was really a choice of my own. so cant really blame anyone else but myself for choosing to be the naive one.

for many reasons, i awaits the letter.
for many reasons, i awaits ur return.
i couldnt let anybody else in. somehow, u occupied my heart for many reasons.

Wow. wad a three-day work! worked for natas travel fair under dbs for the past three days. it had been a hell of time! i'm so glad it's finally over.lol. woke up every single day with muscles aches and my poor little feet. they suffered greatly from not able to sit and rest. lol.

basically my job is to carry the luggages and opening up for the customers to check. one or two luggages sound ok. but i'm talking around 900+ luggages per day. my muscles are pratically sore now. oso, i have to be real fast as the queue is like never-ending? it wasnt much help when my partner likes to 'eat-snake' can? but whenever i sound pitiful and work my way through by pouting a lil he will be nicer and help me more. HAHA.

it's all random ppl. i'm so glad yiru was with me the whole time.it wouldnt be as fun without her. thanks babe! and we were like the youngest there can? so rare. lol. the other girls were all uni student and some have even graduated. the guys were practically all ard 22+. after ord. now in uni. i think the guys were more interesting than the girls. didnt really take effort to chat and know the other collegues better. one reason was we were all busy throughout the day and have no lunch-time. another is tt by the end of the day, everybody's just too tired and i just cant be bothered alr. haha. but during some slack-time i still managed to chat with some of the guys.cuz i was pair with another guy and my job scope made me interact with the guys more. they are really amusing.

there's eric. the classic face guy. he's damn vulgar by the way. plus he's really a comedian la! lol
then there's andy. they humphy dumphy face guy. lol. he's a tp graduate.
there's sammuel, another tp graduate. he's the cant tell rich face guy. HAHA. he lives in a terrace can? but totally dont look like one who does. lol.
there's bonaventure or smth. weird name with the forever guilty face. lol. apparantly his dad loved indiana jones so he decided to give his name with a lil adventure zest. lol. so funny.
then there's aloysius. the dao face guy(for me la). the one i interract least. lol. i think he's actually quite friendly, but he just has this serious face whenever he speaks to me.

nevertheless. though tough work, i did still enjoyed myself. and i may never see them all again cuz we didnt leave our no. lol. but they all became part of my life. haha. super random.

right now, i just want to sleep and rest again. lol. by the way i woke up at 1pm can? LOL.

been thinking of some stuffs recently and it got me very confused and left me in a dilemma.
1)religion
2)life
3)friends

religion/life: recent knowledge left me wondering what's really the purpose in life. ppl want to go heaven afterlife. so wadever tt one achieves in this life cannot be brought into the afterlife. so then wad's the purpose of it? wad's the purpose of living? izzit just for a sense of achievement to be success? or is it purely a cycle tt the powerless human cant have a say in it? the ans i have really is not motivating me to be part of the mundane cycle.

friends: alot of things are left unsaid. there are certain issues i really wish to speak out. but circumstances does not allow me to. to a certain point i'm alr confused. confused by what i had believed in and what i want to see or have seen. i dono which are true and which are not. i've always tot tt everything seemed much simpler in the past. but as friendship deepened, issues surfaced, personalities tt i nv tot will match or have not seen appear. it blurrs my vision, it blurrs my judgement.

and then to a certain point i blamed myself for my too early verdicts, assumptions. to a point i doubt my instincts.
i want my carefree life back.
vexed.

got to know an interesting short story recently which got me thinking alot. so decided to share. here it goes.

Once, there was a weathly merchant who fell in love with this lady he tot she was pretty good looking. their marriage was all fine until one day on a work trip, he got to know this woman. he tot she was even prettier and decided to marry her as the second wife. he slowly forgot his first wife.

As time passed, he didnt get satisfied with wad he has. he went on a search to look for someone who he tot could fill up his missing piece of puzzle. he met this extremely capable woman and decided perhaps she was the one. so, she became the third wife. but his satisfaction did not last long till a mesmerising lady he chanced upon caught his eye. he wanted her so badly. as he wished, he married the lady as his fourth wife.

he spent  all his time with the fourth wife neglecting the other three. till one day, he was contracted a terminal disease and was dying. he tot to himself, 'i've always dote on the fourth wife and loved her the most. would she be willing to die with me to acc me in another life?' so he asked his fourth wife and the fourth wife tot he was crazy and ran away from home. he signed and ask the third wife. she replied 'i still want to remarry.i'm sorry.' sadly, he went on to asked his second wife. she replied 'i'm been helping u to take care of the house and every other things, i'm very busy with the life i have.but based on the account of our marriage, i will sent u off ur last journey to the funeral.'

without harbouring any more hopes, he asked the first wife. to his surprised, the first wife, without any hesitation, agreed to follow him to death.

the story isnt abt love but something else. now think. wad does the wives stand for?
fourth-all the desires u hold in life.they vanished upon's one death.
third-all the money one can have.u cant take it with u when one dies.
second-all the friends and family who will be there at ur funeral to send u off ur last journey
first-only the good deeds and sins one has done will follow u through.

one may not know wad he/she has done in hi/her life. but karma will always be there. so even when one dies, karma never forgets.
then i asked myself, how many good deeds have i done in my life? i cant rmb. but my sins? i think countless. but of cuz, different ppl have different definition on sin. so wad's urs?

daddy started working today. though we didnt really want him to. but he insisted, saying resting at home was too boring. so i crossed my fingers and prayed for his safety and for him not to injured his wound.

watching these past 3 weeks how my mum took care of him, i can really see their love and affection. it is something tt nth can be used to measure it. then it got me thinking of the vow they made 20 plus yrs ago. stating no matter wad sickness one vows to take care and be by one's side or smth. i guessed it's easy to say I DO for everything and a different story after decades pass. i asked myself then wad was the pillar of strength tt kept my mum going to be wiiling to love and take care of my daddy without any complains. i guessed this is really the power of love.

then again, when i think of myself, i dont think i'll be willing to do all these. i may be able to say I DO at a certain point of time. but will i be able to have such great love for someone? i really doubt it. for all i know, tt person is not here yet.

on a happier note, went for lady gaga's concert. she's super hilarious and vulgar! lol. though it was super overcrowded but she made it all worth while.
pics coming soon.=)

recent events had got me thinking alot. daddy was hospitalised. though not smth serious but having the need to operate is kind of a big thing to me alr. remembering the night when going to hospital, daddy was in so much pain he couldnt even put on socks himself. when i helped him, it was really very disheartening.

it's really exhausting. to run here and there. to travel to SGH after work and still wake up early for work the next day. but i'm glad it's all over. though not really the way i expect to end my internship, but i'm still glad it's over.

the incident made me realised in needy times, there are really alot of prioritising to do. nevertheless, family still do come first. it also gave me a reality check. i told myself, perhaps i've been in my comfort zone for too long. it made me realised that i've always been protected by family and friends. i'm grateful. but it's time tt i learn to be more independent. but no matter wad, daddy's incident made me very depressed. though i understand both my parents will in fact grow old one day and leave, i told myself not so soon.there are still many things i ahve not done for them and want them to see. so yep, i'm actually still having some trouble to change back to the cheerful me. but i'm trying. 

nevertheless, i'm feeling a lil' deprived of fun. but there isnt really much i can do. i guess it's all abt time. but it had really made me cherish my family even more.

so, i'm a even more homey girl now.

went ion ytd with clique. jayne and wilson couldnt meet up with us. yiru came for a little while. so mainly it was me,xk and cw. ion's cool. huge in fact. as the level goes up, the things became more expensive. i guessed tt's wad they call to be down to earth. LOL.

it was just a chilling out day. to remind us tt intern is ending in a week's time. (except for xk who decided to extend his intern.) we went far east after tt as i needed to get a full leggings. i got it at 16 bucks. which i actually think it's expensive. but heck, bought it alr.

thenwe went to holland village for dinner and to R.O.C. haha. tt's the term cw said to use. lol. apparrantly we took the bus but overshot.so had to walked a lil. after looking ard, we decided to go n.y.d.c. it was quite a good place to R.O.C. haha. i think anywhere in holland v has the same peaceful atmosphere. we spend quite some time there. we talked and talked and talked more. it was so fun. we then went somewhere else for dessert. i cant rmb the place. i think it was hard rock or smth. i had an ice cream of the combination of rum&raisins + white chocolate + berries. it was YUMMMY!! haha.

on the way home we discussed for tue's plan. all the good food and fun awaits us. of cuz, so much to do after intern. cant wait!! ^^

oh yes, i think i'm going to dye my hair. i hope the colour will turn out as pretty as i want it too!


they had very uplifting atmosphere.


we camwhored a lil' lol.

it's hard when u keep coming to my mind. how stupid is this?
1. you are in fact already attached.
2. you are not even in singapore.

like i've said, it only took a spark to light up the fire.perhaps u didnt even realise it. maybe it was just me.
but why do i have the feeling u seemed to be avoiding it? like u are also afraid tt it may just happened even when u don wan it to happen?

maybe i'm still just the naive one. to think and prefer to live by the dreams.
cuz really, it's better in dreams.

i want it over. it's tormenting for me.

lol.we decided to travel to the north ytd. it was a plan to visit the bottletree park for some activities. but perhaps i had too much expectation out of it alr. so it was kinda disappointing. we explored a lil' then went to shopping centres area in the north to walked ard. so we ended up watching ice age 3. it was quite funny. but too bad we didnt get to watch it in 3D. i think it would be much better. then we headed back to bottletree park in the evening for dinner there. it's much better there when it's not tt sunny too. haha. but apparantly, i think the restaurant is quite famous there? cuz it was quite crowded. dinner was not too bad. then we had troubles where to head too. lol.

so we went to the mrt and decided on chua chu kang. we wanted to visit the cemetry. lol. not literally. but more of like a bus which passed by there.we were really excited abt it. and it was a long journey.the bus journey was kinda cool. it's those kind where u cant see where the road leads to. never ending. it was exciting on the wya there. and super funny during the loop stop. the bus driver told us it's the last stop alr. then cw went to tell him we looping back. and he went 'huh'. he stunned. haha. super funny. but on the way back we all got tired and couldnt wait to head back to east side. plus we were so worried we have no last bus or train. but thank god we did. 

we told each other we were going to explore again. though it sounds stupid. but it can get veri exciting with the right company.=)  


there were some 2 ppl swan ride. but we didnt ride in it. i kept complaining the water stinks.lol.


the reason they named it bottletree park.lol.

they had some plantations there. but i didnt take the vege and fruit ones. too stinky. so i opted for the flowers near the road side.LOL.